This Is a Seasonal Post *cue a dusting of jingle-jangle*
Available for a limited time only (figuratively)!
The holidays are here. Which holidays? I don’t know. Surprise me.
I told myself I would really get into the spirit of things this year because everything is grim and not just because of seasonal affective disorder. But credit where credit is due. Great job, shorter days and less sunlight! You’ve done it again! I’m toast!
Not to mention that as adulthood has sunk its talons ever deeper into my shoulder meat, I’ve divested further and further from what I’d call commercial joy.
And why am I doing that? If something is being heavily marketed to me, why am I fighting it so hard? What am I so afraid of? Manufactured cheer? Whimsical propaganda? The compartmentalization of standing lifelong grievances? If it means we can all get together and hum familiar tunes while all sitting in separate rooms, who am I to pooh-pooh it?!
So! In an effort to embrace living in a home with a front yard for the first time in over a decade, I thought I’d really do it up and put up some timely decor.
Here is where I went wrong.
I love doing a project in theory, but once I actually start doing it, I realize I’m upset that it isn’t how it felt in my head, which is a) good and b) easy and c) done. Has anyone found a solution to this yet?
For example, I don’t know how to measure and so I didn’t realize that I had only ordered about two spaghetti noodles worth of lights. My plus one and I hung them up. (This is a full lie: he hung them up, I bore witness like an ally.) The result was basically two bushes with lopsided sinister colorful grins, and I can assure you the overall effect is chilling. It pretty much looks like the yard of a divorced dad who wanted to make an effort “for the kids,” but conveniently forgot he has a wizard’s curse on him.
The other big flop was I purchased a golden watering can with a golden pine tree sticking out of it to put next to the door, as if to suggest, “Warning: It may or may not be quaint as hell in here!” Now that I’m describing it, I sound maybe like I don’t understand the holidays, let alone anything at all, but trust me, if you saw it, you’d be like, “Ok, yes, festive, shiny, unclear why tree is in the watering can, that’s not how watering cans work, but close enough.”
It showed up in the mail the other day. And get this. It literally fits in the palm of my hand. I don’t know why I thought I was buying a full-size jamboree and not an ornament, but perhaps I was shopping on the Tiny Dark Web again, where there’s all sorts of nefarious activity afoot but on a smaller scale. At this point, I feel well and truly hosed.
The only other thing to add is I also got a small fake tree, but it’s still in the box. I’m afraid to take it out in case I find out it’s actually some sort of haunted leafy green mannequin with empty eye sockets and tinsel stuffed into them.
If anyone else wants to share any similar holiday goof-em-ups, but maybe not as graphic as the image I just conjured, just send ‘em on in and I’ll share a couple next time.
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